What's better than babes and ice cream? 😌
(I don't generally post things from my photography page on my personal account, but I had a fun little shoot with the ladies of @tanrepublic_eugene last night, and they were too adorable to not share on both)
My mind is a dark place. One of the biggest reasons why I shoot is because it saved my life. I don't like sharing intimate details of my life but about 2 years ago I came very close to suicide. I had planned to just jump off of a building.
Not because I was sad or upset about my past.. I grew up in an extremely abusive household, beaten with all kinds of things (hammers, baseball bats, fists, etc), spent every day being told I was nothing/worthless, there was no freedom and no escape. I've watched the person who raised me burn my Christmas presents from friends, put a knife to my neck on my birthday... Etc. It sucked. Alot.
My only defense was to feel nothing. When the beatings came, when the harsh words came, i forced myself to not feel it. I wore that mask until I couldn't distinguish between any two feelings and everything blended into eachother. It all became nothing.
I didn't know how to connect with other human beings, I didn't care about anything, I felt nothing all the time. That's why I wanted it to end. The worst part was that im an extrovert, so I surrounded myself with people and went to all kinds of events. I had fun and it meant nothing. Imagine looking at your closest friends and feeling nothing for them.. Your younger siblings and feeling for them the way you feel for a random stranger you'll never see again. Every kiss, every touch, meaningless. No family, friends you dont care about, moments that didn't matter... I felt very alone.
Photography to me is a means to understand emotions. To be able to create emotions and feelings in a photo that I cant feel, in the hopes that maybe I can feel it someday. I do this and push myself as much as I can because I don't want anyone else to feel how I felt or didn't feel. I want to show people that you can be great at something, even when you feel like you're worthless. That you can find the light if you choose to keep walking through the shadows.
Hopefully, through this you can understand my work better and some of my motivations. Hopefully if you feel the same way I feel, it'll give you a reason to keep trying. I believe in you all. Thanks for reading.